im lonely in ways i can't express
pain and fear are dripping out of my chest and onto everything
i miss you most in the unassuming moments
clothes you used to wear, i saw a woman with your same shirt and went beserk
i almost cried
over a blue tee with an American flag from the Gap
it wasn't quite as faded as yours.
anytime I see Champion I remember how i talked shit about your fit. anything to drive the knife- and i was unspeakably wrong. and rude. and mean.
you deserved kindness and patience and i left you a note written in malice. i can never take that back. and im sorry. over and over again, i'm sorry.
for the first year i would wake up thinking it was all a nightmare and call out for you. then it hit me. this is now reality and i'm sorry.
you were the glue and you're gone and now that it's fallen apart, i wish i could have let myself feel that much sooner. i don't think any of it would have happened had i not acted so selfish and cruel and unforgiving.
these days i'm trying so hard to be better but it's fucking tough and i thought if i became the best version of myself, i'd find my way. but i'm not sure who that is anymore or where to go. i wish you here to guide me. i wish i could call you and ask for your advice. i wish i had appreciated our moments together more. i hate that i have to live in my memories to feel close to you. life feels like such a joke and sometimes i care so much and sometimes i don't care at all. i only know that when i die, i'll see you. because anything else isn't an option. anything else is pointless.
